The Lost Art of Listening

"Listening is a strange and magnetic thing.
The one who listens to us is the one we are drawn to."
- Karl Menninger

True listening is hard work. It takes focus and concentration. It takes being others-oriented. It means getting out of our world and being interested in someone else's world.

Also, people speak at an average of 125 words per minute. But the mind can comprehend at a rate of 400 words per minute. That's a lot of time to go on a mental vacation!

I'd like to share with you a simple, 4-step listening model that can help us all become better listeners.

It's the LISA Model.

LISTEN
Listen to truly understand, not to respond. Listening is not simply refraining from talking while the other person is speaking. When listening, try temporarily putting yourself in the other person's place.

INQUIRE
Ask follow up questions. If you say, "Tell me more about that," you will be immediately in the top percentile of effective listeners. Very few people do that.

SUMMARIZE
Paraphrase what the other person has said. True listening and understanding only occurs when the other person understands that you understand.

ACKNOWLEDGE
Do you notice this fourth step isn't 'Agree'? You don't have to agree with the other person, but acknowledging their viewpoint is powerful. This sounds something like:

• "I can see why you say that." or

• "That's an understandable perspective."

Can you even imagine if someone tried this on a political talk show?

Listening is challenging, but it pays big dividends.

Listening is equated with wisdom and intelligence. Listening conveys respect to the other party. Listening helps you truly connect with another person. Listening means you are learning something. Listening increases your ability to influence.

Working on your listening skills will make you better at life and will make your life better.

"Seek first to understand, then be understood."
- Stephen Covey
Habit #5 in Covey's 7 Habits of Highly Effective People

The Single Best Way to Overcome Procrastination

"Things at rest tend to stay at rest. Things in motion tend to stay in motion."
– Newton's Law of Physics

I often sit in the living room watching a football game, telling myself that I will put the laundry into the dryer during the next commercial. When the commercial comes on, I don't feel like getting up to do this simple task. Despite my dislike for most commercials, I want to continue sitting there. This is a simple example of Newton's Law of Physics.

I want to share with you a blinding flash of the obvious, the best way to overcome procrastination is to get started, despite your feelings.

Remember, motion creates emotion. We often have to act our way into feeling.

How many times have you procrastinated on doing a performance review, or cleaning the garage, or going to the gym? Once you got started, you got some momentum. You started feeling like you wanted to knock the task out.

It's like getting into a cold pool, the hardest part is the beginning. So when facing procrastination, emphasize the start rather than thinking of the whole task. Often, you just need willpower and determination for a few moments in the beginning.

But once you overcome that initial obstacle, the rest is much easier.

You will be amazed at how much you can get done when you quit thinking and calculating and just get in motion.

”When you do the things you need to do when you need to do them, the day will come when you can do the things you want to do when you want to do them."

– Zig Ziglar

Experiences Over Stuff

"Success to me is having those closest to me,
love and respect me the most."
- John Maxwell

A few years ago we had granite countertops installed in our kitchen. The day they were installed I came home from work and thought, 'Wow, the place looks great.' That feeling slowly diminished to the point that a few weeks later, when I came home from work, I barely noticed the new countertops.

Right now I am writing from a hotel in my hometown of Chicago. Every August our family gets away for a long weekend to see my beloved Cubs play at Wrigley Field and enjoy the downtown area. This trip has become one of the highlights of our year, every year.

It's strange, but it seems that material things often diminish in enjoyment over time but experiences and memories expand.

The point of this post is not: don't get granite countertops!

I like 'stuff' just as much as anyone. I have a lot of gadgets. My point is to make sure you acquire experiences, not just stuff.

The most important things in life are not things.

Character, Competence and Connection

"A good head and a good heart
are always a formidable combination."
- Nelson Mandela

Winning in the workplace and life requires three elements; Character, Competence, and Connection. With apologies to Meatloaf, two out of three is bad. High performers need all three qualities.

CHARACTER
In the diagram above, character is the inner circle. Why? Because we must be solid on the inside first. When we live with integrity, we develop self-confidence and earn the respect of others. 

COMPETENCE
All of us are gifted in a unique way. Our responsibility is to develop and refine our gifts to serve others. In a world of carpenters, decide to be a craftsman. Do your work with skill and mastery.

CONNECTION
Connection is the outer circle because the first thing people notice about you is your attitude and how you act toward them. This sounds really corny but people don't care how much you know until they know how much you care. The most important things in life are not things. 

Are you the complete package?

Separate Yourself from the Pack

"You cannot get ahead while you are getting even."
- Lou Holtz

Years ago a manager told me about an employee who would consistently call out sick the day after his co-worker called out sick. The employee felt that if his co-worker could abuse the attendance guidelines, he could too.

I once worked in an office suite where many co-workers held long personal conversations and spent a lot of time surfing the internet. My initial thought was,"Why should I work hard when they take it easy all day?"

But obviously, that was the wrong question.

The right questions are:

• "How can I create extreme value?"

• "How can I do my job with excellence?"

Our goal should not be to be like everyone else. Normal is overrated! Being exceptional means you have to be an exception!

Develop an intense distaste for mediocrity. Strive for excellence with the work at hand. Doing your best at the moment puts you in the best position for tomorrow.

Excellence has its own reward.

The Power of Positive Feedback

"Feeling gratitude without expressing it
is like wrapping a gift and never giving it."
- William Ward

My daughter recently told a co-worker that she was one of the nicest people she has ever worked with. Her co-worker was overwhelmed by the simple compliment and started to cry.

Last week I had lunch with a Vice-President of Human Resources. He said for the first time in his career, he has a boss that gives him positive feedback. He feels empowered and supported.

I am reading a book by a very successful author. He said he began thinking about a writing career when one of his junior high school teachers told him he was a good writer.

In a world full of critics, complainers, and downers let's be the kind of person who is generous with sincere compliments. They take so little time and effort and make a huge impact.
 

"The words of the reckless pierce like swords,
but the tongue of the wise brings healing."
- Proverbs 12:18
 

• If your restaurant server is exceptional, look them in the eye and thank them for the good service (and leave a generous tip.)

• If you are a leader, give those who report to you the recognition they deserve (by the way, it's your best retention tool.)

• Tell your family members and friends specifically what you appreciate about them.

Make it your goal to give 3 sincere compliments a day.

Here is a simple life principle: you see what we are looking for. Look for the good. And when you see it, say it! 

The cool thing is when you encourage others, you will be uplifted. Life is a boomerang, what you send out comes back.

The Power of Listening

"Listening is a magnetic and strange force.
The people who listen to us are the ones we move toward."
- Karl Menninger

It is rare to find someone who gives you their focused attention. It's rare because true listening is hard work. Listening is difficult for several reasons.

First, with modern technology and devices, our attention span is getting shorter and shorter.

Second, humans speak at a rate of 125 words per minute but we can listen at a rate of 500 words per minute. That's lots of room to go on a mental vacation when someone else is talking.

Finally, we are all naturally self-centered, so listening is often simply being quiet until we get our turn to speak.

In school, we were taught several communication skills; reading, writing, and even public speaking in speech class. But we were never taught listening skills.

Here is a 4-step LISA model that will help you improve your listening.

L - Listen to understand.
(This much different than listening to respond.)

I - Inquire.
Probe deeper, ask questions.

S - Summarize.
Concisely paraphrase what you heard to ensure understanding.

A - Acknowledge.
Notice, A doesn't stand for Agree. You don't have to agree with the other person to acknowledge their opinion or perspective.

The fact is we can often have more influence with our ears than our mouth. Set yourself apart both personally and professionally by being the rare person who asks great questions and then gives the other person the gift of your focused attention.
 

“Listening is about being present, not just about being quiet.”
- Krista Tippett

12 Quotes for a Strong Week

Quotes say so much in just a few words. Here are 12 of my favorite...
 

"Confidence is going after Moby Dick in a rowboat
and taking the tartar sauce with you."
- Zig Ziglar

"He who kneels before God can stand before anyone."
- Ezra Benson

"Happiness is the full use of your powers along the lines of excellence."
- John F. Kennedy

"Every person alive is filled to the brim with value and possibilities,
with passion, with purpose.
Whenever all that abundance is focused and directed,
the result is undeniable greatness."
- Ralph Marston

"If we did all the things we are capable of doing,
we would literally astound ourselves."
- Thomas Edison

"Do not bring your need to the marketplace, bring your skill."
- Jim Rohn

"Find a tiny stream where your strengths can flow and carve it into a Mississippi."
- Marcus Buckingham

"If you deliberately plan on being less than you are capable of being,
then I warn you that you'll be unhappy for the rest of your life."
- Abraham Maslow

"Kindness is in our power even when fondness is not."
- Samuel Johnson

"Perfection is not attainable,
but if we chase perfection, we can catch excellence."
- Vince Lombardi

"We are not here to stick our toes in the water,
we are here to make waves."
- Alan Weiss

"The world makes way for a person who knows where they are going."
- Epictetus
 

And a little humor...

"Sometimes I think the whole world is against me,
but deep down I know that is not true.
Some of the smaller countries are neutral."
- Steven Wright

Becoming Unoffendable

"Don't carry a grudge; while you're carrying a grudge,
the other person is out dancing."
- Buddy Hackett

It seems that many people today are hyper-sensitive. They take offense easily and quickly demand an apology.

Recently I was listening to a podcast by Rick Warren. He said, "Decide to be unoffendable." I thought that was a great idea. I tried it, and by golly, it worked!
 
The greatest of all freedoms we have as humans is the freedom to choose our attitude. Being offended takes up unnecessary emotion and space in our lives. It hurts us more than the other person.
 
Here are three simple ways to become unoffendable.
 
1. Don't take things personally.

I recently went into a company to provide an all-day workshop. Within 5 minutes of arrival, an employee asked: "Are you our trainer today?" I told him I was. He said, "Well, make it quick. I don't have time for this nonsense."

Why should that offend me? He didn't even know me. Clearly, there is something going on with him. All I can do is deliver the best training that I can.
 

2. Focus on what you can control.

When I see someone is driving like a maniac, I immediately think"Justice! He needs to be pulled over!" But why let that person throw me off my game? There is very little I can do about it as he speeds ahead.

Decide to resign yourself from being the general manager of the universe and focus on improving yourself rather than disapproving of others.
 

3. Decide to be the kind of person you want to be, regardless of others.

Be consistently kind and respectful. Why? Because the other person deserves it? Not necessarily, but because you are a kind and respectful person.
 

I am not suggesting that we should be passive. We should step into difficult situations when appropriate. I am simply saying that we shouldn't carry around bitterness and resentment. It makes life harder. 

No one can hurt you without your permission. Don't put the key to your happiness in someone else's pocket.

The Appeal of Humble Confidence

"Never believe you’re better than anybody else,
but remember that you’re just as good as anyone."
- John Wooden

Successful people are a combination of warmth and strength.

Great leaders are also a combination of warmth and strength. Jim Collins in his book Good to Great, declares that research reveals the most effective leaders have a rare combination of professional willand personal humility.

We have a natural aversion to arrogant people. Those who think they are superior to others.

We are generally not inspired or positively influenced by passive or timid people.

But we are drawn to those who carry themselves with humble confidence.

Let's briefly take a look at the behaviors of those with humble confidence.
 

HUMBLE

• Humble people don't think less of themselves, they think of themselves less.

• Humble people have a desire to grow and improve.

• Humble people are open to feedback.

• Humble people talk less and listen more.

• Humble people ask for advice.

• Humble people focus on others, not themselves.

• Humble people treat everyone with respect.

• Humble people know that everyone has something to teach them.

CONFIDENCE

• Confident people are respectful but not intimidated.

• Confident people speak clearly and with conviction.

• Confident people aren't worried about what everyone thinks of them.

• Confident people greet other people with a warm handshake, smile and eye contact.

• Confident people carry themselves with poise.

• Confident people live out their values.

• Confident people know they are never out of their league.

• Confident people energize and inspire others.

A superiority or inferiority complex serves no one well.
Where are you on the humble confidence scale?
 

"When you are big, act small.
When you are small, act big."
-Leslie Koch